days

Yesterday our hearts would beat in time together. I held you. I sustained you. I was the only universe that you ever knew.

Today I hold you in my arms. I wipe away your tears and hold you as you smile. I watch you as you drink the liquid love my body provides you. I wrap myself around you, you curl into my heart.

Tomorrow I will watch you as you run, grow and learn to fly free. Tomorrow I will kiss you and pray that you always return home to me.

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through the bleeding nipples

all through the nausea and the morning sickness
i held the promise of you dear.
i dreamed of you through the foggy exhausted days,
and thought of you through the sleepless nights.
i could hardly breathe through the anticipation
during the pains as you came out of me.
joy exploded through my soul
as i saw your tiny face for the first time.
i held you through the pain,
and through the soreness,
and then through the healing.
you smiled at me through the wonderment
as your world grew and expanded.
i loved you through the sweet tender moments of feeding you,
even through the cracked and bleeding nipples.

baby scented (10/365)

i want my baby to smell like me.
this deep down primal part of me balks at other scents.
forget the smell of baby powders or soaps,
i want him to smell like my sweat and my milk.
when i pick him up the first thing i do,
(without even thinking)
is smell him, sigh and smile.
he is mine.

i hesitate when others ask to hold him.
especially other women.
when he comes back to me he smells wrong.
not like me. like them.
he smells powdery and flowery and wrong, wrong, WRONG.
it makes me want to rub him and hold him close.
it makes me want to glare at those ladies.
it makes me want to feed him so he smells of me and my milk.
to show everyone that this is MY BABY. mine.

it’s the animal inside of me.
it’s the part of me that has evolved to protect my young.
it might sound weird to you. maybe even gross.
but, honestly, i don’t care.
i want my baby to smell like me.
my sweat, my milk. me.

asleep (4/365)

it’s the warmth when you hear them say “goodnight, mommy.”

it’s the calm you feel when the day is done.

it’s the happiness you get when you look around and see that all is as it should be.

it’s the love that fills you when you look at the sleeping faces.

it’s the sigh of relief you let out when you turn off that last light and go to bed.

it’s the “of course” moment you have when the baby wakes to eat as soon as you lay down.

it’s the triumph when he latches on and his eyes finally drift shut.

it’s the quiet while everyone is asleep and you are lying there awake.

it’s the comfort of his arm around you with a warm little body snuggled into your side.

it’s the peace of finally getting to fall –

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