baby scented (10/365)

i want my baby to smell like me.
this deep down primal part of me balks at other scents.
forget the smell of baby powders or soaps,
i want him to smell like my sweat and my milk.
when i pick him up the first thing i do,
(without even thinking)
is smell him, sigh and smile.
he is mine.

i hesitate when others ask to hold him.
especially other women.
when he comes back to me he smells wrong.
not like me. like them.
he smells powdery and flowery and wrong, wrong, WRONG.
it makes me want to rub him and hold him close.
it makes me want to glare at those ladies.
it makes me want to feed him so he smells of me and my milk.
to show everyone that this is MY BABY. mine.

it’s the animal inside of me.
it’s the part of me that has evolved to protect my young.
it might sound weird to you. maybe even gross.
but, honestly, i don’t care.
i want my baby to smell like me.
my sweat, my milk. me.

there is no art in my heart today (9/365)

there is no art in my heart today.

no, none at all.

there are tears that are building,

choking and drowning me.

but my art is nowhere to be found.

there is an anger that is overwhelming me,

a rage i can feel in my throat.

it sits waiting inside looking for the moment to explode.

but my art has left me here alone.

this ache though is here

keeping me company,

a friend that i do not want around.

haunting me, torturing me,

a pain deeply buried in my heart.

there it has left no room for art anymore.

dear lord (8/365)

dear lord.
i am tired and beat so very down.
i am done with everything, everyone,
but these problems just keep coming around.
the winds they keep on blowing
and i have bent and bent myself to their will.
i know you’re there and looking out for me,
but i’m sitting here feeling alone.
you told me there would be trials,
that i would just need to trust you to get through,
that you have great plans for me,
but today just none of that seems true.
i just want a break, lord,
from those trials and those winds,
from those things that keep on coming,
from those problems that never end.
i want a little sunshine, lord.
just a little. i’m begging you, please.
i’m ready for those great plans
that you have promised for me.
lord, i need you.
i am broken and i am down here on my knees.
i’ll just stay here waiting for you
i know you will not let me down.

little boys (7/365)

little boys are so much more than muddy toes and scattered toys.
they are love and joy and silliness, and frogs and dogs and bugs.
they are happiness wrapped in gunk, they are dreams wrapped in gum.

little boys bring sunshine, but they also bring the rain.
a day with them is like a summer storm,
one minute a raging tempest one minute a calm day.

life without little boys is oh so very calm.
a lovely quiet stillness, a glassy waveless bay.
but for that calm you sacrifice oh so very much.

as for me I will take the storms and the messes and the bad, no good days.
I will take the craziness, because it is all balanced out by their neverending love.

today i feel so little (6/365)

today i feel so little, so small and insignificant.
like if i were to blow away no one would even care.

i feel like no one likes me, no one wants me about.
like if they tried hard enough they wouldn’t see me here.

i feel so tired – so very, very tired.
tired all the way down to my littlest toe’s littlest hair.

i feel alone and small and tired and invisible.
i feel like today is just too long.
i feel like all of me is done with the rest.
i feel like my heart is crying big sobbing tears.

i feel like today my emotions are a little overwhelming.
like they aren’t quite sure what they are about.

i feel like i’m not me, not a whole me.
like someone else is sitting in my skin in my chair.

lay your head on my shoulder (5/365)

lay your head on my shoulder,
the day’s been long, your eyes grow so weary.
we’ve done so much, explored so much,
grown a little more minute by minute.

lay your head on my shoulder,
they’re there for you, waiting to hold you near.
slow your breathing and listen closely,
my heart is singing out a lullaby just for your ears.

lay your head on my shoulder,
it is time to sleep, the moon is high.
the stars are out, the sun is sleeping,
and now it is time for you close your eyes.

lay your head on my shoulder,
i will still be here, right here, while you sleep.
loving you, holding you,
a safe harbor while you are off in the land of dreams.

asleep (4/365)

it’s the warmth when you hear them say “goodnight, mommy.”

it’s the calm you feel when the day is done.

it’s the happiness you get when you look around and see that all is as it should be.

it’s the love that fills you when you look at the sleeping faces.

it’s the sigh of relief you let out when you turn off that last light and go to bed.

it’s the “of course” moment you have when the baby wakes to eat as soon as you lay down.

it’s the triumph when he latches on and his eyes finally drift shut.

it’s the quiet while everyone is asleep and you are lying there awake.

it’s the comfort of his arm around you with a warm little body snuggled into your side.

it’s the peace of finally getting to fall –

DSCN0431-2 copy